VIDEO REVIEW: Special Mission Lady Chaplin

VIDEO REVIEW: Upperseven

VIDEO REVIEW: OK Connery

i SPY EUROSPY: Upperseven, the Man to Kill

Upperseven, the Man to Kill
Director: Alberto De Martino
Year 1966
 
Upperseven, the Man to Kill is a highly enjoyable Eurospy film that features a secret agent with the talent to replicate the appearance of anyone on the planet through the use of his theatrical mask building skills. The movie is fun and wacky, and the premise of being able to pass as another person just by placing a piece of latex over your face, is astoundingly silly but absolutely entertaining in this unusually fun spy caper.
 
In the film, we follow super agent Paul Finney AKA Upperseven, on his latest mission to take down the diabolical Kobras who is up to some nefarious business. Upperseven, along with his array of masks, sets out to one beautiful location to another, in hopes of finally bringing down this mastermind once and for all. Along the way, Upperseven picks up a beautiful partner named Helen Farheit, who not only looks amazing but can dish out some serious punishment when put to the test. Can the two take down this mastermind or will they end up stiff and lifeless like one of Upperseven’s many hokey masks? Lets get down to the nitty gritty and see what makes this obscure Eurospy tick.

Paul Hubschmid plays the titular character of Upperseven, a man of many faces who’s as deadly as he is clever. Hubschmid does a fantastic job in bringing a serious tone to such an over the top concept as this film presents. He’s a bit cocky like most Eurospy heroes, but beyond that formulaic trait is a more somber and professional agent. He’s an efficient agent who just so happens to dabble in the absurd talents of mask making, for which he uses to great use throughout the film.
 
What is most interesting about his use of disguising himself with masks is that the opposition isn’t even sure on what he actually looks like. He is a world renowned agent but no one has the slightest idea of what his true identity is on the count of him always changing his persona and physical appearance. The idea is great and the execution is a little silly, but when viewed within the wild world of the Eurospy it makes perfect sense and is actually a whole lot of fun. It’s kind of funny to see Paul Hubschmid slap a lifeless mask on his face and then watch as the camera cuts away to another actor emerging from the makeup chair, looking entirely different but mask-less. Good stuff.
 
Another amusing aspect of Upperseven’s masks is the fact that the people that he is transforming into are completely and utterly ridiculous looking. One of the most asinine of them all has to be the mustache and goatee sporting ship captain, who Upperseven brilliantly decides to dress as when he is tailing a suspected member of Kobras’ crew. There is nothing that says inconspicuous more then a weird looking dude in a bright white suite and a captain’s hat. Ridiculous! This scene is so strange and outrageous that I couldn’t help but laugh a little over the absurdity of the situation. Oh Upperseven, I can’t stay mad at you.

When Upperseven isn’t crafting his ridiculous masks, he’s whining and dining some rather fabulous ladies. There’s an all too short cameo by the exotic Rosalba Neri as a villainous woman who tries to set up Upperseven, but is then violently slapped around for her troubles and then thrown out into the street to be used as human target practice. Hey, that’s no way to treat a national treasure! Still she looks ravishing during her short appearance and even gets a chance to sing Upperseven a little love song. How sweet.
 
Likewise, Vivi Bach plays Kobras’ main squeeze and in a strange moment of weakness, Upperseven decides to disguise himself as Kobras in order to get a little late night loving when infiltrating the mastermind’s underground lair. It seems silly for Upperseven to do this, when throughout the movie he was always diligent about completing his mission, but it was a fun little diversion and rather unexpectedly randy of him. Upperseven, you naughty little monkey you.
 
Finally we get to the cream of Upperseven’s female crop. Karin Dor plays the role of Helen Farheit, a fellow agent and partner to Upperseven. She has been in a number of films that I’ve seen, but for some reason I don’t remember any of her performances in them. In Upperseven, she does a tremendous job as the competent and capable agent Farheit who has an air of innocence to her yet able to hang with Upperseven through the worst of times. I absolutely loved her role in this film and I’m going to make it my personal duty to revisit those other movies to see if I just wasn’t ready at the time for an actress like her. Either way she is stellar in Upperseven and she looks absolutely stunning.

Upperseven, the Man to Kill is a pretty entertaining Eurospy that gives a little twist to the genre. There is plenty of globe trotting and memorable action scenes to fill up the screen time and the inclusion of Upperseven’s mask making abilities tips the scale in creativeness within these types of films. I enjoyed the wackiness of it all and really appreciated the trio of fabulously looking women that absolutely shine while on the screen. Karin Dor especially makes good use of her role, making me contemplate what other special roles I’ll come to find once I start digging through her filmography.
 
From start to finish, the film just entertains, giving us just one more reason to dig this crazy film category called Eurospy. I had a blast and I implore you to track down this rare spy flick as soon as possible. They really don’t make them like this anymore, so if you get the chance, watch it. This oddity doesn’t disappoint. Upperseven, the Man to Kill is without a doubt a…..

I'm Upperseven and apparently I'm the man to kill.

How about you put that guitar away and we get down to the sex?

Upperseven... another F on your report card? We've talked about this.

Take off that grumpy mask Upperseven. You've got a hot chick in your lap!

They're so..... so.... lifelike!

Someone help! I'm being followed by a weird CAPTAIN!

The Captain says, need a light?

Damn you Scuba Steve!

You going eat your lima beans or am I going to have to get rough?

You don't look so cool now shithead.

Well hello there beautiful!

I'll teach you to dress me in this space-age shit!

All's well that ends well.

i SPY EUROSPY: OK Connery

OK Connery (Operation Kid Brother)
Director: Alberto De Martino
Year 1967

If you thought Sean Connery was the only Connery in the family that kicked all kinds of ass, then you my friend would be dead wrong. Enter Neil Connery, the jack of all trades. The guy is a world renowned plastic surgeon, a professional archer, an expert hypnotist and an ace lip-reader. Well at least in the film, OK Connery, in which he stars as the normal everyday citizen turned secret agent, Dr. Neil Connery. If any of this sounds enjoyable to you, then OK Connery is right up your alley.

The overall story of OK Connery, also known as Operation Kid Brother, is that there is an evil organization called Thanatos who has created a device that can render any mechanical metal devices, most importantly guns, useless. This would be the perfect assignment for the world's most experienced secret agent, but unfortunately he isn't available. What to do, what to do? Well the answer is easy. Get his younger brother to do it. Duh!

Dr. Neil Connery, played by who else, Neil Connery, is recruited into saving the world from the evil schemes of the Thanatos organization. Armed with expert knowledge and the genetic DNA of his super agent brother, Neil proves that Operation Kid Brother is too much for one mother. What a tag line!

When first watching this flick, I wasn't too sure whether Neil had the chops to pull off this classic role, but boy was I wrong. The guy has charisma. Not as much as his legendary older brother Sean, but close enough. He carries himself with an effortless poise and confident swagger, that you just can't help believe that he can do all the things his more experienced brother can and possibly more. I really was surprised how well he blended into the role and my only regret is that he didn't go on to have a more illustrious career for himself in cinema. Oh well, I'll take what I can get.

Neil isn't the only one strutting his stuff and making this film so much damn fun to watch. We also have some veteran actors of the Eurospy circle to help Neil out in giving the film some much needed street cred. First we have the lovely Daniela Bianchi, who is arguably one of the key female spokespersons for this genre. She has been in so many memorable spy efforts that it's hard to keep count. From her standout roles in From Russia With Love, Code Name: Tiger, Slalom, Requiem for a Secret Agent, and my personal favorite, Special Mission Lady Chaplin, Daniela is anything but a slouch in the cinematic espionage world. In OK Connery, Daniela plays the role of Maya Rafis, an assassin with a heart of gold, who eventually falls to the charms of Mr. Connery. She's had quite a career for herself, though terribly short, having charmed the pants, literally, off of two Connery brothers. Way to go Daniela!

On the flip side of that we have the wonderfully evil Adolfo Celi, who plays the role of Mr. Thai, an ambitious man in the ranks of the Thanatos organization. Celi is a familiar face to those of you out there that have seen your fair share of Eurospy flicks. He's been in a number of classic spy films like That Man From Rio, Slalom (alongside Daniela Bianchi), Thunderball, and Danger: Diabolik, just to name a few. He plays the usual sneaky character in this film, constantly trying to best Neil at every turn, playing a cat and mouse kind of game with Connery while trying to keep his allegiance to Thanatos a secret.

There's also some more friendly and familiar faces for those of you out there that love the Bond universe. Bernard Lee and Lois Maxwell give us another dose of Bond recognition as they play fairly similar characters compared to their official James Bond roles. Lois Maxwell as Miss Moneypenny is one of my favorite reoccurring Bond characters and her role in OK Connery is something of a treat. In this film she plays the character of.... wait for it.... Miss Maxwell. I guess they didn't really feel the need to stray very far from the original actor's and actress' names in this flick, but needless to say, Maxwell gets to see far much more action then her Moneypenny counterpart has ever seen in her entire go at the role. The Maxwell in OK Connery gets to fire an automatic machine-gun into a crowd of bad guys like some sort of badass out of the Expendables movies. Now that's one hell of an idea!

Now the film has the memorable characters and familiar faces, but does it have that special something that makes these Eurospy films so damn enjoyable? You bet your ass it does! Neil Connery has the charm and wit to match any Ken Clark, John Gavin, Kerwin Mathews, Ray Danton, or even Sean Connery for that matter. Those clever lines of dialogue that have come to be a staple of the genre are here in all their ridiculous glory. "Do you ever walk upright like other people?", is said by Neil after repeatedly coming into contact with a young girl who is always clamoring on all fours, looking for something. It's a smart ass remark that gets me every time, and it showcases perfectly the expert timing and delivery that Connery was capable of. Aside from the charm and wit of Connery, the film is just a whole hell of a lot of fun, proving that talent runs in the family and that you don't need an A-lister to have a rip roaring Eurospy filled fun time.

OK Connery was an unexpected treat, one that took me for a loop in bringing about a highly entertaining Eurospy flick. Neil Connery really made a believer out of me and that is quite a feat, seeing that he was up against one of the greatest actors to ever take on the James Bond character. Being his younger brother, the cards were stacked against him, leaving people to assume that he just got the role because of his looks and relation. Thankfully that wasn't the case because Neil really made this movie his own, creating a secret agent that is both physically and mentally up to the task of bringing the bad guys down.

His agent was not solely relying on his brawn, but his intellect in order to get him out of sticky situations. The entire fact that the main villain's evil scheme was to render guns useless, giving Connery the opportunity to showcase his characters archery skills in the final climactic battle, was a sight to see and gave the film a unique flavor that separates itself from the rest of the Eurospy pack. Plain and simple this film is a great and entertaining fun ride and one that simply......

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

The gang's all back together again..... sorta.

Holy shit! It's a bazooka packing nun!

When will Bernard Lee ever find his prince charming?

Do you ever walk upright like other people....... boobs.

Look it's Hillbilly Robin Hood!

It's not you...... it's me.

The murderer was Madame Peacock with the binoculars!

Alright! The Wild Pussy Club is in town!

Get your fat ass off my car.

Breaker One, I'm coming in for a refuel.

So what do you think of my submarine? Pretty fancy huh?

Yeah, I'm a pretty big deal.

Neil takes a crack at playing Moses.

I also wear turtle-necks. Pretty fancy huh?

Next time I want to play the captain.

I should have hired better back up dancers.

Just let me grab my bow and I think you'll get the point.

Hit me with your best shot Adolfo!

i Spy Eurospy: Special Mission Lady Chaplin

Special Mission Lady Chaplin

Director: Alberto De Martino & Sergio Grieco

Year 1966

Special Mission Lady Chaplin is the third and most competent entry in the Dick Malloy secret agent series, allowing for Ken Clark's death defying agent to really soar next to the ranks of uber-agent James Bond. In this mission, Malloy is assigned to retrieve a cache of nuclear warheads that have recently been stolen from a downed submarine, by a diabolical deep sea salvager who moonlights as a submarine researcher and millionaire extraordinaire, named Kobre Zoltan. To spice things up a bit, Zoltan's chief henchmen is a henchwoman named Lady Chaplin. She's a master of disguise whose talents abound from performing merciless assassinations while dressed as a nun to posing as an old wheelchair bound woman as she snuffs out one of her victims at a poorly guarded hospital. Can Dick Malloy foil this mad genius' plans to sell the warheads to the highest bidder and can he also resist the deadly charm of the dangerous Lady Chaplin? How dare you ask such a ridiculous question. Of course he can.

Clark.... Ken Clark.

Secret spies are watching you. They see your every move.

This entry in the Dick Malloy series is as close to the Bond formula that you can get. We have the evil mastermind that hopes to benefit from some sort of global catastrophe, added to that the amazing locations from all over the globe, and finally to top it all off we get the outstanding portrayal of a femme fatale that matches Malloy in all his cunningness and skillful agent ways. In fact the film starts out with a bang as it presents us with the title character Lady Chaplin, played by the Italian knock out Daniela Bianchi. She just happens to be one of the main strengths of the film, as she firmly takes the film by the reigns and plunges right in. We're given this perfect set up for Malloy's formidable oppenent when Lady Chaplin infiltrates a monastery that happens to be a cover for a secret organization. She takes out the monks there in style and right then and there, we get a pretty straight forward idea of what this film is going to be like. Pure fun. Daniela does a tremendous job in bringing this outstanding and memorable character to life. It's nice to know that after her role as Tatiana Romanova in From Russia With Love, that she went on to even more acclaim within the spy world. Her Lady Chaplin character is definitely one for the Eurospy record books.

Ken Clark's looking for that red light special.

Once again, Ken Clark gets the point.

As always, Ken Clark knocks it out of the park as he gives the character Dick Malloy another go. His charismatic and often physical approach to the character is always greatly appreciated by this reviewer. I really wish he would have kept the role going, because I would have loved to go on a few more missions with this legendary super spy. In retrospect, it's nice that they ended the series on a high note and kept the integrity of the series intact. I still think that they could have kept this character alive and well, much like what has happened with the Bond series. There is so much potential in Dick Malloy's spy world and the presence that Ken Clark projected in his three starring roles just begged to be continued for at least a few more missions. Oh well, I'll take what I can get and in this film he gives his most energetic and enthusiastic performance to date.

Lady Chaplin, you are one vain son of a bitch.

Get em Dick Tracy!

Another Bond element that is highly recognizable in this film, is the inclusion of a sub henchmen that's armed with a hook for a hand, complimenting his mean mugged bastard attitude. This noteworthy character filled that familiar void that many memorable Bond villains had satisfied throughout its glorious history, by having the bad guy possess an unorthodox weapon of his choosing. Just like the character of Jaws, from both The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker, where he has his razor sharp metallic chompers to bite at Sir James Bond, we see the same thing in Dick Malloy's outing. In Special Mission Lady Chaplin, this mysterious henchmen wields all of his ruthless anger by the tip of his razor sharp hooked hand. There's some pretty entertaining fight scenes in the film, where Agent Malloy is fighting for his life against the overpowering brute. These moments are pretty heavy in the physical nature of the two combatants and we really get a good tension filled altercation as these two immovable objects attempt to usurp the other. This familiar Bond element really adds to the overall enjoyment of the film.

Despite all my rage I am still just a Ken Clark in a cage.

Shit the chicks packing!

The main villain, and overall biggest threat to Malloy's health, is the overly ambitious and the overtly over the top named Kobre Zoltan. Why isn't there a band out there with this name? Mr. Zoltan is played by Jacques Bergerac, who brings a sense of swagger and snobbishness to his role of the well to do submarine researcher. It's interesting that, unlike his Bond villain counterparts, he doesn't want to dominate the world or destroy it, rather he wants to benefit from it's destruction by making a small fortune in the transaction of said weapons of mass destruction to the real terrorists. The fact that he carries an air of arrogance throughout the film, makes him a perfect villain to hate and root against. The only problem is that he shows up sporadically and with nothing much to say, leaving much of the heavy lifting of the plot to be done by his second in arms Lady Chaplin. This problematic plot device is later remedied when the allegiances of Ms. Chaplin come into question. It's at this time that we are finally confronted with who the true villain of this piece is. It's a fun little turn of events and one that makes Special Mission Lady Chaplin the wonderful little yarn of Eurospy goodness that it is.

Ken Clark does his best Donkey Kong impression. Jump the barrel!

Nobody move... I lost a contact lens.

Special Mission Lady Chaplin does a great job of rounding out the Dick Malloy series and ending it on a high and memorable note. The characters are varied and the story is intriguing enough to keep our attention throughout its entire runtime. Ken Clark gives his usual outstanding performance as Agent 077 and there really isn't anything that he doesn't do right in the role. The inclusion of Daniela Bianchi as Lady Chaplin, elevates the film up onto another level, garnering it some great moments and entertaining set pieces. I had a blast with this last of a series and couldn't ask for a better way to close the curtain on this remarkably fun filled journey of Secret Agent 077. This film and the entire series comes highly recommended for spy, Eurospy, and any action film lover that likes their movies to be fun and entertaining. Good stuff.

5 out of 5 guns       A Great Book-End to a Great Series!